The Problem With Trader Joe's

Shopping at Trader Joe's had its ups and downs. It is good that they have low prices on stuff like cereal and hummus but you will pay more for their meats (because they are organic...no they're not). The little carts get on my nerves but I guess if they had regular sized carts the store would be that much harder to navigate. There is always a line that stretches around more than half the store that is as intimidating as that pretty girl in high school who also had confidence. On the plus side, the line moves quickly.

The main problem with Trader Joe's is that people treat it like a singles pick-up joint. You got the guy at the coffee grinder giving advice to a girl on how to grind her beans (that's what she said! Wait...what?). There's the loser in the fruit aisle talking about the bananas he ate off of trees during his visit to fucking Peru with whatever poor son of a bitch girl that makes the mistake of looking in his general direction. Moreover, the employees that work there all seem to see have sex eyes for just about anyone that asks them a question. Hey asshole, they have to ask you questions...you work there! She didn't ask you where the pita chips were because you have unkempt hair and an asshole lip ring; she asked you because it is your job to know this information. You think the guy at Radio Shack thinks he gives people the insta-tight pants because they ask him about ham radios or batteries? No, wake up out of your dream!

Get real peanut butter. No one eats the other shit.

Nice shirts (Double Middle Fingers!)

14 Signs You Might Be A Jerkoff Face

1. You like Dane Cook.
2. You have a problem with asking for help.
3. You are wearing a baseball hat with the letter B on it.
4. You say the word sick to describe something in a positve light like,"SIIIIIICK!"
5. You tell people you had sushi for lunch or dinner like they are supposed to care.
6. You use your Facebook status to tell people you are: bored, had sushi, are going on vacation and "It's gonna be CRAZY!", adopted a live baby infant, is sad and "Just doesn't know ne mo"...well you get it...
7. You think it is stupid I made the Dane Cook thing the first one.
8. You use anything besides Google...come on it's Google.
9. You like the book "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" by Tucker Max
10. You don't like my soon to be published book "I Hope They Fucking Kill Your Mother On Chrsitmas Morning, Tucker Max" by me
11. You like that song by Fergie. You know the "I hope you know, I hope you know that it has nothing to do with you."
12. You use Axe Body Spray
13. You don't say please and thank you at bars, restaurants and stores.
14. You have a poster hanging in your apartment of a character from Scarface, The Sopranos or Godfellas (If you have that one with a character from all of these movies/shows, than everyone you know hates you)

I Drank the Water From a Hurricane

So apparently alot of people are bipolar. Sometimes I feel like I am and sometimes I feel like I'm not...get it? But seriuosly folks, I was just in a corner store on 74th and 1st and there was a women in there that spent $175! I guess it wouldn't be all that hard to do that at a corner store considering they charge $43 for 4 mach three blades and $12 for Honey Nut Cherrios. It was still hectic to watch her grab stuff off shelves and put it on the counter as the guy working the register attempted to bag evrything.
Anyshits, alot of famous people are bipolar...here are a few:
Ludwig van Beethoven (Funny because he thinks who the fuck he is)
DMX (What?! Come on!)
Phil Spector (This guy murdered a person and has wacky hair)
Brian Wilson( That explains all the sand nonsense)
Theodore Roosevelt (Get action. Seize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster...whatever that menas!)
Darryl Strawberry(Great guy)
Edgar Allen Poe (I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat...quoth the butthead)
Mark Twain (I like Mark Twain)
Jim Carey (Jim Carey sucks)
Robert Downey Jr. (The Soloist looked awful)
Robin Williams (Unwatchable on late night talk shows. Have you seen this guy? Oh right, he used to do coke.)
Tracy Ullman (Weird lady)

Those commericals with the Cat Stevens song and that phone are really annoying. The one with Chevy Chase, Molly Shannon, Dana Carvey and that other guy that is still on the show that will soon be as unfunny and boring as all the other people in that commerical is really annoying. Oh yeah and Cat Stevens? Some muslim you are... so decadent.

Papelbon blows a lead in the playoffs, the Sox get swept and the Yanks sweep the Twins...that was a pretty good day. I like Jorge Posada because he seems to get pissed off with nonsense at a very reasonable rate. Most people put up with nonsense too much.

I saw half of Fred Claus today...great movie.

Your Facebook Status

I will not get on your case for using your Facebook status to express how a particular song lyric or line from a book has had a positive effect of your life. I can relate and do that once in awhile myself. HOWEVER! You can't be posting some fake inspirational bag of shit every other day. You also are not allowed to come up with new theories on life every 45 minutes; it makes you look stupid and fat.



AND ANOTHER THING! Stop refering to these made up "haters" and stop asking them to "keep hating". They do not, as a matter of fact, make you stronger. They do not even exist. You are not famous, half of your Facebook friends regret accepting your friend request.



ONE MORE THING! Everyone is busy. We all have jobs or go to school or have lots of things to do. You will find the time to get everything done. Please refrain from using your Facebook status to make yourself appear busier than you actually are.



OH YEAH! Using your Facebook status to announce someone's death is disturbing. I know someone that announced the death of someone else's child on Facebook with their status. First off, how do you know they wanted news like that to be posted on the internet? Second, you make people uncomfortable and some of them end up leaving a comment about how bad they feel. Oh you feel bad when young children die? Of course you fucking do! We all do! Facebook is neither the time or the place for such things to be discussed.



Try to be funny with your status update...if you are unable to do that, delete your account.

Night of the Living Dead

Music from commericals recently has been really good. That "If you believe there's a place for us..." song is really great. There is another one by some band Phonenix that Elaine talks about 24/7 which is good too. I think that is a car commerical. What don't you, my loyal blog readers, try to think of other good songs from commericals and tell me about them in the comments? Go ahead...do it.

There is a theory that in the afterlife you will relive every aspect of your life shuffled into a new order. Instead of everything happening in the order that they actually went down, it is all grouped into similar acts. So you'll arrive in the afterlife and sleep like 25 years, spend 7 months having sex, 2 years shopping, 2 years cooking, 3 years driving, 12 years watching TV, 4 years eating, 5 years surfing the interweb, 11 years working...well you get the point. There is more but it is a daunting task to say the least. I always thought the afterlife would entail me sitting in a movie theater filled with my friends and family while the good and bad moments of my life played on the screen.

I bought a pumpkin scented candle today so yeah, I'm pretty into fall right now.

Well I Crossed the Desert...

"You bitch and moan now but when you're taking a nice relaxing bubble bath later you'll be thanking me!"

It Ain't Easy Being Right

Listen, it is really great that you do not eat meat. It is good to know that something does not have to die because you want food. But please…you are more than just what your diet consists of. You are a whole human being! You like movies and music; you laugh at comedy and cry when others have to suffer. Live a little!

Being around a vegan kind of makes you feel like your spending time with a very religous person or someone trying to get you to buy into a pyramid scheme.

“Hey man, whats up?”
“Not much; you wanna grab a bite? Maybe at the local gril and tavern?”
“I do but hamburgers are made from baby cows hearts and mixed with the tears of their mothers.”
“Ok…lets…just get…like…ice cream.”
“Yaaaay! The product of rape!”
“Oh…how about like, peanuts? Are nuts okay? Do the shells cry when you crack them?”
“You are so insensitive to everything I feel, every second.”

It can wear a body down. Keep doing what you’re doing; I wish I could do it (sort of). Just take it down a notch. I’m sure bloggers were saying the same thing about Jesus when he blew up. You know he is cool and all but can be a bit preachy. I’m sure they wanted to just hang out sometimes or whatever but he would always start in with the “Love thy neighbor” stuff so they never really got a chance to know each other. And what happend to him? Do I have to remind you? Sure he is livin’ large now but he paid for it…bigtime. Do not turn this into a campaign built around your point of view. No one likes a Mr. Know It All or a lil’ Miss Sassy Susan. Like I said, keep it up but chill out…you little nerd.