Where Do the Ducks Go When the Pond Freezes Over?

J.D. Salinger died on Wednesday. He was very old and I imagine quite kooky. There were rumors that he drank his own urine and practiced many other strange Buddhist rituals (Just kidding, I'm very open-minded when it comes to wacky and weird religions). His daughter wrote a book in 2000 and painted a picture of a cranky old man living in a house with the windows and doors all locked up. There have been a few movies made with him in mind (The character played by James Earl Jones,Terrance Mann, was based on him. As was the whole Finding Forrester movie).
Like so many other phonies, I read The Catcher in the Rye in high school and I liked it. I actually probably liked a bit too much. I still like it now and am teaching it in my American Lit class. I just thought I should at least acknowledge that he is no longer alive...and maybe now we'll get some of the stuff he wrote after 1965. Maybe not.

I Think They Found Another Cure For Broken Hearts And Feeling Insecure

I never tried to run away when I was a kid. I guess because my home life was pretty good. In The Royal Tenenbaums "The Baumer" and Margot run away to a museum and lived there for awhile. It is a nice idea but I cannot relate. I would have loved to do something like that but I did not want to upset my mother or have my sister get mad at me. My sister hit me over the head with a metal bat when she was like three so I was not interested in getting on her bad side. Here is the things with kids: people give them too much credit. Someone has a baby and they want you to "meet them." You cannot meet a baby. It is like meeting a carton of milk. Once it turns 2 or so, you have a better idea of what exactly is going on. Also you cannot meet dogs or cats or christmas trees.

The blue guys in Avatar are really tall.

Coconut M&Ms, really?

I heard someone say to his friends tonight as they were doing shots "To long life and short attentions spans." I prayed to the devil and Allah that he would choke on his lemon drop...he did not. I do like funny things though.

Charles Barkley is a fat person now.

I wonder if the show "The Jersey Show" will make the Jersey shore even more annoying than it was before the show. Like I mean will it get even more Italian American...if that is possible.

Santa Is A Good Sport For Putting Up With These Jerks

I hope they all got gift cards to Hollister for Christmas.

(I also hope this was taken at the Galleria in White Plains).

Vitamin C You Later

I do not trust people that do not have a favorite band. I am not saying you have to quit your job and follow them up and down the coast or anything. I am saying that you have to really, really, really like a band. You have to get goosebumps during the bridges of the great songs, you have to think its weird when you buy their new album and hear new music from them, you have to really fucking like them and if you do not...move back to Communist Russia.

I am getting a cold. I know I am getting a cold because I have nasal congestion and my throat is getting sore. I also know I am getting a cold because I will stare off into space and wonder about things like what the inside of squirrel houses look like and if I have been awake for every minute of the day in my lifetime. You know like if by chance I have not been awake at 5:47 am for some reason. Most times I assume squirrel houses have framed pictures of nuts (like Elton John's house...boom. roasted.) and that I have been awake for every minute.

I went to the Container Store for the first time and I must say, I could hardly contain myself.

I guess we'll never know if people who commit suicide regret it.

I Posted This Blog Over Three Years Ago On Something Called "Myspace"

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Not Giving is No Different Than Taking


Congratulations Dan Fogelberg, you have written the worst Christmas song EVER. Take a few seconds to look through the lyrics below. You don't have to read every word...but it will help you fully understand how much this song sucks. This guy is a a douchebag on the absolute highest of levels.

SAME OLD LANG SYNE

By : Dan Fogelberg

Met my old lover in the grocery store
(who calls people "lover")
The snow was falling Christmas Eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve
(a creepy thing to do)
She didn't recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried
(It's Christmas Eve and two adults are standing in a grocery store's frozen food section crying at eachother)
Took her groceries to the check-out stand
The food was totalled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged
(I wonder why?)
We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn't find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car
(Are you serious? What about your families? Act your age. It's Christmas Eve)

We drank a toast to innocense we drank a toast to now
(You drank a toast to now, huh?)
We tried to reach beyond the emptiness
(We're way beyond that Fogelberg)
But neither one knew how

She said she married her an archetect
He kept her warm and safe and dry
(So do sweaters)
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn't like to lie
I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
In those eyes I wasn't sure if I
Saw doubt or gratitude
(I would assume doubt)
She said she saw me in the record store
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was helping me
But the traveling was hell
(Wait, so this is a true story?)

We drank a toast to innocense we drank a toast to now
We tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how
We drank a toast to innocense we drank a toast to time
Living in our eloquence
(Living in your quality of persuasive, powerful expression?)
Another Old Lang Syne

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away
Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain.
(That's deep, Dan)

There are alot of Christmas songs out there that are damn good. Old favorites like "Jingle Bell Rock" or even the more recent, "All I Want for Chrsitmas is You" by Mariah Carey. What Dan Fofelberg has done is ruin what radio stations do with the 24 hour Christmas music because always lurking in the wait is this little bastard of a song.

Really?

It is 1:41 in the AM on Dec 13. I just walked into my apartment and turned the TV on. I came across the video game awards on some idiot channel. You know who was introducing an award? Stevie Wonder. The most important thing about video games is being able to see them.

Boom. Roasted.

Well AC Ain't In Charge No More

Anytime I see someone use a payphone I get suspicious. In fact if the mayor wants to really crack down on crime I think he should place a plain clothes policeman by every pay phone in the city. Once someone goes to use it, you either arrest them right on the spot or pump their guts full of lead.

Two brothers in Budapest(may not actually be a place) that lived in a cave are inheriting 6.6 billion dollars from their mother. "If this all works out, it will certainly make up for the life we have had until now — all we really had was each other — no women would look at us living in a cave," Geza Peladi told the Telegraph.
They also said they would spend alot of their time tracking down their mother's death certificate and proof of their identities. You are Goddamn right they are. No more drinking rain water that collected in banana leaves or eating worms. When asked what would be the best part about not living in a cave, both brothers replied,"Not living in a cave anymore."

I would like to be in the doctor's office when Frankenstein went for his first check-up.

Tiger Woods is not a sex addict. He is a fucking nerd that lost control. Did you read some of those texts he sent these women? Google it and get ready to laugh. People wonder why these women saved these texts from him for so long but I have to tell you, if I slept a famous chick and she texted me about it--I'd save it. "Yo bro, check out this text I got from Celene Dion."