Vitamin C You Later

I do not trust people that do not have a favorite band. I am not saying you have to quit your job and follow them up and down the coast or anything. I am saying that you have to really, really, really like a band. You have to get goosebumps during the bridges of the great songs, you have to think its weird when you buy their new album and hear new music from them, you have to really fucking like them and if you do not...move back to Communist Russia.

I am getting a cold. I know I am getting a cold because I have nasal congestion and my throat is getting sore. I also know I am getting a cold because I will stare off into space and wonder about things like what the inside of squirrel houses look like and if I have been awake for every minute of the day in my lifetime. You know like if by chance I have not been awake at 5:47 am for some reason. Most times I assume squirrel houses have framed pictures of nuts (like Elton John's house...boom. roasted.) and that I have been awake for every minute.

I went to the Container Store for the first time and I must say, I could hardly contain myself.

I guess we'll never know if people who commit suicide regret it.

I Posted This Blog Over Three Years Ago On Something Called "Myspace"

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Not Giving is No Different Than Taking


Congratulations Dan Fogelberg, you have written the worst Christmas song EVER. Take a few seconds to look through the lyrics below. You don't have to read every word...but it will help you fully understand how much this song sucks. This guy is a a douchebag on the absolute highest of levels.

SAME OLD LANG SYNE

By : Dan Fogelberg

Met my old lover in the grocery store
(who calls people "lover")
The snow was falling Christmas Eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve
(a creepy thing to do)
She didn't recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried
(It's Christmas Eve and two adults are standing in a grocery store's frozen food section crying at eachother)
Took her groceries to the check-out stand
The food was totalled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged
(I wonder why?)
We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn't find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car
(Are you serious? What about your families? Act your age. It's Christmas Eve)

We drank a toast to innocense we drank a toast to now
(You drank a toast to now, huh?)
We tried to reach beyond the emptiness
(We're way beyond that Fogelberg)
But neither one knew how

She said she married her an archetect
He kept her warm and safe and dry
(So do sweaters)
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn't like to lie
I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
In those eyes I wasn't sure if I
Saw doubt or gratitude
(I would assume doubt)
She said she saw me in the record store
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was helping me
But the traveling was hell
(Wait, so this is a true story?)

We drank a toast to innocense we drank a toast to now
We tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how
We drank a toast to innocense we drank a toast to time
Living in our eloquence
(Living in your quality of persuasive, powerful expression?)
Another Old Lang Syne

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away
Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain.
(That's deep, Dan)

There are alot of Christmas songs out there that are damn good. Old favorites like "Jingle Bell Rock" or even the more recent, "All I Want for Chrsitmas is You" by Mariah Carey. What Dan Fofelberg has done is ruin what radio stations do with the 24 hour Christmas music because always lurking in the wait is this little bastard of a song.

Really?

It is 1:41 in the AM on Dec 13. I just walked into my apartment and turned the TV on. I came across the video game awards on some idiot channel. You know who was introducing an award? Stevie Wonder. The most important thing about video games is being able to see them.

Boom. Roasted.

Well AC Ain't In Charge No More

Anytime I see someone use a payphone I get suspicious. In fact if the mayor wants to really crack down on crime I think he should place a plain clothes policeman by every pay phone in the city. Once someone goes to use it, you either arrest them right on the spot or pump their guts full of lead.

Two brothers in Budapest(may not actually be a place) that lived in a cave are inheriting 6.6 billion dollars from their mother. "If this all works out, it will certainly make up for the life we have had until now — all we really had was each other — no women would look at us living in a cave," Geza Peladi told the Telegraph.
They also said they would spend alot of their time tracking down their mother's death certificate and proof of their identities. You are Goddamn right they are. No more drinking rain water that collected in banana leaves or eating worms. When asked what would be the best part about not living in a cave, both brothers replied,"Not living in a cave anymore."

I would like to be in the doctor's office when Frankenstein went for his first check-up.

Tiger Woods is not a sex addict. He is a fucking nerd that lost control. Did you read some of those texts he sent these women? Google it and get ready to laugh. People wonder why these women saved these texts from him for so long but I have to tell you, if I slept a famous chick and she texted me about it--I'd save it. "Yo bro, check out this text I got from Celene Dion."

I Can't Be Around It! I'm Gonna Do It Too!

Nothing good has ever resulted from someone getting Cinnabon.

You think you want it so you get off the at the rest stop on the Garden State and the next thing you know, you have thick cinnamon paste in between your fingers, behind one of your ears and on your nice new tee shirt. Of course your stomach is also working overtime to try and digest the bookbag sized "treat" you just ate. Actually your whole body gets thrown into freak out mode once you start shoveling that shit in; your eyes become watery, your big toenail on your right foot begins to become in grown and you almost immediately begin to dry heave and choke.
I googled the internets and found the nutritional facts for a cinnabon:

Classic Cinnabon (Cinnabon)
Serving Size: 1roll; Calories: 813, Total Fat: 32g, Carbs: 117g, Protein: 15g

Cool, right?
Now if you are going to eat one of these things you will clearly need something to wash it down with. The sane choice is a water...HOWEVER, they do offer something called a Chillata. Here is the description:

Cinnabon is chillin’ this summer with another sweet idea: amazing, hand-blended frozen beverages called “Chillattas.” These refreshingly indulgent drinks come in several flavorful varieties. So stop by the Cinnabon at your local mall today and cool off with a whole lotta Chillattas! But be careful! These Chillattas are soooo cool you might need a Cinnabon to warm you back up!

It is, for the most part, a slushie with whipped cream and caramel. So in between mouthfuls of that chubby cinnabon, suck down some of that Chillatta with its gooey caramel and whipped cream.

Jesus Christ, I can't write anymore about this...you are on your own!

NASA Screws Up Yet Another Thing: Outer Space Thanksgiving

Thanks for nothing, guys. Go repair something on the outside of the ship, float up there, do nothing and come back home. You rats!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywFfI0-nu00

Outer Space Thanksgiving

There are way too many blogs about people being pregnant or raising kids. When will people understand that other people think their kids are assholes? This world is full of little kids that are ticking time bombs just waiting to be the next groups of douchebags, loser frat boys or men that drink Heinken. Oh you're baby whatever rolled over? Do not create a blog about it. Tell your mother. Because the internet just cannot be bothered.

Robert Deniro and Dustin Hoffman have agreed to make only terrible movies for the rest of their lives.

I don't think Sharon Stone was acting in Casino. I think that is how she lives her life.

Did you know New York has a basketball team?

Thanksgiving is coming up and we all know what the Peanuts crew ate at their Thanksgiving:
Toast, popcorn and what looked like jelly beans.

At the first Thanksgiving they ate:
Cod, Eel, Clams, Lobster, Wild Turkey, Goose, Duck, Crane, Swan, Partridge, Eagles
Meat: Venison, Seal,Wheat Flour, Indian Corn,Pumpkin, Peas, Beans, Onions, Lettuce, Radishes, Carrots, Plums, Grapes, Walnuts, Chestnuts and Acorns.

In outer space they eat:
outer space turkeys and spaghetti.

What's the Latest Way That A Man Can Die Screaming Hallelujah

People that say they are not afraid to die should eat shit and die. You're not afraid to die? Apparently you are also not afraid to be a giant liar. There are children and tribes in the Amazon (the smartest rain forest...by far!) that are afraid to sleep but you walk around telling people you're not afraid to die? Well you have a lot of apologizing to do.
Here is the thing about death, whether you believe in God or Yaweh or Jimi Hendrix, when you die you are going to be scared. If you go to heaven or hell or if the lights just go out and you have no memory of the life you just lived, nothing will ever be the same. Lets take the best option: heaven. Mark my words, like an Apple store when some stupid fucking thing comes out, heaven is full of annoying people. Well meaning neighbors and school principals will be wall to wall in heaven.
However, if you go to hell the devil will make baked beans out of your insides while a Journey cover bands tries to figure out the chords to Don't Stop Believin'. Also everyday will be Halloween,not because it is scary because it would be really annoying.
So the last option is if the lights just go out and that is that. This is a very scary option. At least in hell you can look back on the good things about when you were alive. If you die and there is nothing I am going to be mad....but screaming Hallelujah!!!

2012...Go Jump Up Your Own Ass

2012: is there a scarier group of numbers on Earth? 6666 might be scarier because it is the sign of the beast plus another 6 for more evil. However, I still think 2012 is scarier because of the shows on History channel and I also feel like the extra 6 throws off the balance of 666. The prince of evil demands balance...and blood! But let's bring this back to why we're all here...2012.

So people seem to think that because the Mayans got lazy (big surprise) and put down their sharpies after filling out calendars for thousands of years ahead of their own time the world is going to end in 2012. Perhaps they got distracted while sipping their hot chocolate type drinks or misreading the heavens or stealing ideas from the Egyptians (pyramids), the Spanish (their beautiful language) and the French (Nostradamus). Do I think the world will end in 2012? Good question but the answer is no. There is simply too much money to be made. Do I have advice for those who think the world will end in 2012? Yes, google Y2K...FACE!

Getting back to the devil, does he think the world will end in 2012? No, he does not.

The Good News Continues...

-This picture is hanging in a pizza shop in Yonkers, NY. It is a picture of the man that makes the food behind the counter. He decided that it would be good for his business to include this picture where people would be ordering food products.

-You see those Ashton Kutcher commericals? For those cameras? I mean come on, that guy needs his ass kicked.

-I love Christmas and I love Christmas movies but you cannot release a Christmas movie closer to Halloween than Thanksgiving.

-Dog food commericals that show you fresh cut meat, whole grains and colorful vegetables to prove how good their food is piss me off. If they are wasting such good food on dogs, we have lost our way as a country. I've had a couple dogs in my life and I have seen them eat their own shit and other dog's shit on a number of occasions. In fact, my first dog Max died after he ate a music tape and the ribbon from that tape cut his inside apart like a handful of chinese stars. Dog food should be made of the parts of animals humans find too repulsive to eat. Case closed. You're welcome.

-Very happy the Yankess won. Sign Andy. Sign Damon. Say adios to Matsui (Adios is Spanish for goodbye...which is a weird joke about Matsui being Japanese...good luck figuring that out!).

-Just a heads up for you local news fans out there, Rosana Scotto is quickly becoming a major problem. She does the Good Day show from 7-10 am Fox 5 with Ray Kelly. It looks like I did her plastic surgery and she tries act like she has real New York attitude. Let me tell you something Rosana (If thats real name), I am not buying it; not with that pressed suit and expensive face make-up. Also, drop the loser accent.

The Problem With Trader Joe's

Shopping at Trader Joe's had its ups and downs. It is good that they have low prices on stuff like cereal and hummus but you will pay more for their meats (because they are organic...no they're not). The little carts get on my nerves but I guess if they had regular sized carts the store would be that much harder to navigate. There is always a line that stretches around more than half the store that is as intimidating as that pretty girl in high school who also had confidence. On the plus side, the line moves quickly.

The main problem with Trader Joe's is that people treat it like a singles pick-up joint. You got the guy at the coffee grinder giving advice to a girl on how to grind her beans (that's what she said! Wait...what?). There's the loser in the fruit aisle talking about the bananas he ate off of trees during his visit to fucking Peru with whatever poor son of a bitch girl that makes the mistake of looking in his general direction. Moreover, the employees that work there all seem to see have sex eyes for just about anyone that asks them a question. Hey asshole, they have to ask you questions...you work there! She didn't ask you where the pita chips were because you have unkempt hair and an asshole lip ring; she asked you because it is your job to know this information. You think the guy at Radio Shack thinks he gives people the insta-tight pants because they ask him about ham radios or batteries? No, wake up out of your dream!

Get real peanut butter. No one eats the other shit.

Nice shirts (Double Middle Fingers!)

14 Signs You Might Be A Jerkoff Face

1. You like Dane Cook.
2. You have a problem with asking for help.
3. You are wearing a baseball hat with the letter B on it.
4. You say the word sick to describe something in a positve light like,"SIIIIIICK!"
5. You tell people you had sushi for lunch or dinner like they are supposed to care.
6. You use your Facebook status to tell people you are: bored, had sushi, are going on vacation and "It's gonna be CRAZY!", adopted a live baby infant, is sad and "Just doesn't know ne mo"...well you get it...
7. You think it is stupid I made the Dane Cook thing the first one.
8. You use anything besides Google...come on it's Google.
9. You like the book "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" by Tucker Max
10. You don't like my soon to be published book "I Hope They Fucking Kill Your Mother On Chrsitmas Morning, Tucker Max" by me
11. You like that song by Fergie. You know the "I hope you know, I hope you know that it has nothing to do with you."
12. You use Axe Body Spray
13. You don't say please and thank you at bars, restaurants and stores.
14. You have a poster hanging in your apartment of a character from Scarface, The Sopranos or Godfellas (If you have that one with a character from all of these movies/shows, than everyone you know hates you)

I Drank the Water From a Hurricane

So apparently alot of people are bipolar. Sometimes I feel like I am and sometimes I feel like I'm not...get it? But seriuosly folks, I was just in a corner store on 74th and 1st and there was a women in there that spent $175! I guess it wouldn't be all that hard to do that at a corner store considering they charge $43 for 4 mach three blades and $12 for Honey Nut Cherrios. It was still hectic to watch her grab stuff off shelves and put it on the counter as the guy working the register attempted to bag evrything.
Anyshits, alot of famous people are bipolar...here are a few:
Ludwig van Beethoven (Funny because he thinks who the fuck he is)
DMX (What?! Come on!)
Phil Spector (This guy murdered a person and has wacky hair)
Brian Wilson( That explains all the sand nonsense)
Theodore Roosevelt (Get action. Seize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster...whatever that menas!)
Darryl Strawberry(Great guy)
Edgar Allen Poe (I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat...quoth the butthead)
Mark Twain (I like Mark Twain)
Jim Carey (Jim Carey sucks)
Robert Downey Jr. (The Soloist looked awful)
Robin Williams (Unwatchable on late night talk shows. Have you seen this guy? Oh right, he used to do coke.)
Tracy Ullman (Weird lady)

Those commericals with the Cat Stevens song and that phone are really annoying. The one with Chevy Chase, Molly Shannon, Dana Carvey and that other guy that is still on the show that will soon be as unfunny and boring as all the other people in that commerical is really annoying. Oh yeah and Cat Stevens? Some muslim you are... so decadent.

Papelbon blows a lead in the playoffs, the Sox get swept and the Yanks sweep the Twins...that was a pretty good day. I like Jorge Posada because he seems to get pissed off with nonsense at a very reasonable rate. Most people put up with nonsense too much.

I saw half of Fred Claus today...great movie.

Your Facebook Status

I will not get on your case for using your Facebook status to express how a particular song lyric or line from a book has had a positive effect of your life. I can relate and do that once in awhile myself. HOWEVER! You can't be posting some fake inspirational bag of shit every other day. You also are not allowed to come up with new theories on life every 45 minutes; it makes you look stupid and fat.



AND ANOTHER THING! Stop refering to these made up "haters" and stop asking them to "keep hating". They do not, as a matter of fact, make you stronger. They do not even exist. You are not famous, half of your Facebook friends regret accepting your friend request.



ONE MORE THING! Everyone is busy. We all have jobs or go to school or have lots of things to do. You will find the time to get everything done. Please refrain from using your Facebook status to make yourself appear busier than you actually are.



OH YEAH! Using your Facebook status to announce someone's death is disturbing. I know someone that announced the death of someone else's child on Facebook with their status. First off, how do you know they wanted news like that to be posted on the internet? Second, you make people uncomfortable and some of them end up leaving a comment about how bad they feel. Oh you feel bad when young children die? Of course you fucking do! We all do! Facebook is neither the time or the place for such things to be discussed.



Try to be funny with your status update...if you are unable to do that, delete your account.

Night of the Living Dead

Music from commericals recently has been really good. That "If you believe there's a place for us..." song is really great. There is another one by some band Phonenix that Elaine talks about 24/7 which is good too. I think that is a car commerical. What don't you, my loyal blog readers, try to think of other good songs from commericals and tell me about them in the comments? Go ahead...do it.

There is a theory that in the afterlife you will relive every aspect of your life shuffled into a new order. Instead of everything happening in the order that they actually went down, it is all grouped into similar acts. So you'll arrive in the afterlife and sleep like 25 years, spend 7 months having sex, 2 years shopping, 2 years cooking, 3 years driving, 12 years watching TV, 4 years eating, 5 years surfing the interweb, 11 years working...well you get the point. There is more but it is a daunting task to say the least. I always thought the afterlife would entail me sitting in a movie theater filled with my friends and family while the good and bad moments of my life played on the screen.

I bought a pumpkin scented candle today so yeah, I'm pretty into fall right now.

Well I Crossed the Desert...

"You bitch and moan now but when you're taking a nice relaxing bubble bath later you'll be thanking me!"

It Ain't Easy Being Right

Listen, it is really great that you do not eat meat. It is good to know that something does not have to die because you want food. But please…you are more than just what your diet consists of. You are a whole human being! You like movies and music; you laugh at comedy and cry when others have to suffer. Live a little!

Being around a vegan kind of makes you feel like your spending time with a very religous person or someone trying to get you to buy into a pyramid scheme.

“Hey man, whats up?”
“Not much; you wanna grab a bite? Maybe at the local gril and tavern?”
“I do but hamburgers are made from baby cows hearts and mixed with the tears of their mothers.”
“Ok…lets…just get…like…ice cream.”
“Yaaaay! The product of rape!”
“Oh…how about like, peanuts? Are nuts okay? Do the shells cry when you crack them?”
“You are so insensitive to everything I feel, every second.”

It can wear a body down. Keep doing what you’re doing; I wish I could do it (sort of). Just take it down a notch. I’m sure bloggers were saying the same thing about Jesus when he blew up. You know he is cool and all but can be a bit preachy. I’m sure they wanted to just hang out sometimes or whatever but he would always start in with the “Love thy neighbor” stuff so they never really got a chance to know each other. And what happend to him? Do I have to remind you? Sure he is livin’ large now but he paid for it…bigtime. Do not turn this into a campaign built around your point of view. No one likes a Mr. Know It All or a lil’ Miss Sassy Susan. Like I said, keep it up but chill out…you little nerd.

It's Not Going to Stop

You know that feeling when you're doing a million things at once and it seems like each one of those million things is conspiring against you to break you down? I'm not even talking about major issues here, well I should say that it could be major issues but it doesn't have to be. Think about how annoying it is if while you're getting ready for work and you can't find something you need; sure it'll bother you but you're not going to kill anyone. However, while brushing your teeth you get a little toothpaste on your shirt--don't bother using water or water and soap or baby Jesus' tears to get that shit out because nothing will get it out besides a trip through the washing machine. If you've survived those two incidents, good for you but it ain't over yet. On the way out the door, you drop your keys while your hands are full...it's not going to stop.

I know I mentioned homeless people in the last post and I don't won't to turn this into a homeless people blog but I have to bring it up again. Today I saw a homeless woman lying on the ground using her bags as a pillow while she stared into space. It is hard to imagine what it would feel like to have nothing to look forward to. Think about it; if you literallyhad nothing to look forward to...it would be awful. So I walked by her and the fact that I walked through her sight of vision didn't seem to shake her up at all. I imagine that is hard to break someone's concentration when they have nothing to look forward to.

Where the Non-Believers Go Beyond Belief

I have about a 15 minute walk from my apartment to the 6 train on 68th Street in the morning and its the time of year that when I start walking, the weather feels just fine but by the time I get to the subway I am sweating. There is literally nothing I can do about this problem; no belief in any god will provide with me an answer or any kind of help. It is my cross to bear.

On my walk back from the train at the end of the day I walk by a building that used to be a church and now it looks like a bank of some kind. Everyday there is an older man on the front steps wearing a suit, a trench coat and a pair of Nikes. I get the feeling he used to work at that bank or he had some kind of job with money. He has the look of a crazy person (I mean he is wearing sneakers with a suit and he is not Larry David...I don't think) and he seems to be muttering quite a bit. Is he saying a prayer, trying to figure out where his keys to the bank went or is he on a Mexican radio...whoa oh...a Mexican radio....whoa oh. I won't get into the symbolism of a building that used to house some kind of church now being used as a home for our true god...MONEY!!! Even though by just mentioning it, I have already done so.

What I will say, is that if the meek shall inherit the Earth than it is going to be split a million ways between the million meek people living on the streets of New York. Whatever god you believe in, you better pray that you don't end up on the steps of a building dressed like a character from an HBO show playing a real person, playing a character from an HBO show playing a real person. Confused yet? Don't be. Just don't forget the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Here Ya Go!

"This year I want to be a jerk for Halloween!"

Have you seen that commerical for those low fat yougurts where the guy (husband) is talking on the phone with his male friend/buddy/pal? He keeps talking about how he is eating cheesecake and chocolate and other things like that while losing weight. Well it turns out he is talking about yougurt flavors. His wife walks into the kitchen and listens in on his conversation as she opens the door to their stupid fridge. She finally says something to the effect of "Uh, what are you doing?" She may have called him "Honey" or something and he sheepishly tells his friend he has to go. He should have said, "I'm on the fucking phone!?!? What are you doing?!?!"





But that ain't how you sell yogurt nowadays.





The guy from the Twilight movies needs to stop walking around looking like someone is pissing in his eyes.